


The White Wolf and Grief

by Introvertatheart



Series: The White Wolf's New Life [11]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Minor Violence, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:15:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28782549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Introvertatheart/pseuds/Introvertatheart
Summary: Bucky has went through just about every emotion there is. Steve tries to keep himself in check for his sake, but sometimes things become too much. Especially when you lose someone close to you.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: The White Wolf's New Life [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1952947
Comments: 7
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know everyone is watching WandaVision, I am too. Is it weird that I am posting a grieving chapter on this day? Maybe. But I need to get this out here so I can clean up my files. Also if anyone has experienced a passing before reading this, I am sorry and you don't have to read this if you don't want to.

Grief was a complex emotion that not a lot of people understood, but it was also the worst one to deal with. The feeling of losing someone hits people differently and everyone dealt with it differently. Some people cried for days on end, others pushed people away and some people get angry. Some people just don't show emotion at all. And that was okay, people dealt with it differently.

Steve remembered when he lost his mom, he cried to himself for days and rejected any help from anybody that offered. Even Bucky. But Bucky understood that he needed time and he promised him that he'll be there when he needed him.

When Steve lost Bucky, he had no one to grieve to. He drank his grief away. He remembered when Peggy came to tell him it wasn't his fault but that didn't do any good, if anything it fueled his rage.

Steve thought he gained better control of his emotions ever since he got Bucky back but he quickly realized that he might not have had as much control as he thought. Bucky could barely understand and control his own emotions. When he got angry, he was angry times a thousand. When he was sad, he was sad times a thousand. As time went on, Steve began to realize he got sad more easily, he got angry more easily. When he talked to his therapist about it, she told him that children tend to have an affect on their parents' emotions because while they are trying to figure out theirs, they look up to their parents to figure out how to deal with it. If they don't see the emotion often, they didn't know to control it without being told to.

Steve didn't really understand that but all he could do was talk Bucky through it.

Today, Steve just didn't feel right. He wasn't sure why but he just didn't feel right. Maybe if he got out of the house for a few hours, his mind will clear up. Question was, where? With Bucky along, he couldn't just drive aimlessly. That was a recipe for a tantrum. Then he had an idea. He could visit someone he's meant to visit since Shield collapsed. Peggy.

That would be nice and it would be a chance for James to see her.

Steve nodded to himself, that would be a good idea. He got up from his bed and went in Bucky's bedroom, he wasn't in his bed so Steve assumed he was in his sensory room. He opened the door, Bucky wasn't here either. He was about to call for him then he heard water dripping. He opened Bucky's bathroom door and saw that he was sitting in the tub, fully clothed, turning the faucet again.

"Having fun?" Steve asked. Bucky nodded. "Okay, I want to get out for a while. Can we go visit someone?"

"Mommy?"

"Mommy is out looking for something. This person is someone one of you recognize." Steve smiled. Bucky tilted his head. Steve helped him out the tub then got him changed. Steve packed his bookbag full of snacks, last time he didn't have any snacks for Bucky he threw a fit. That did not need to happen again.

Once he had everything packed and ready, they got in the truck and went on their way to Washington.

Bucky ended up taking a nap on the way to Washington, which was fine. Steve needed a little peace and quiet before they got to the nursing home. Once they arrived, Bucky was being a bit rude, as in growling at the elderly. So they sat outside for a while until he relaxed. Bucky relaxed after a few minutes then they went inside.

"Hello, how may I help you?" An older but not yet elderly woman said.

"May we see Peggy Carter?"

"Who is asking?"

"Steve Rogers." The lady nodded and paged a doctor, while she did that Bucky took interest in a few mints that was sitting in a bowl. Steve didn't notice he was eating them until he heard Bucky choke on one.

"What are you doing? How many did you eat?"

"I saw him put about five in his mouth." The nurse said, smiling. Bucky reached for another one and ate it.

"No more." Steve said.

"Ms. Carter is waiting for you."

"Thank you. Let's go." Steve got Bucky's hand, but Bucky had already snagged another mint. "You are a mess." They went to the room. Steve opened the door, he'll never get used to the sight of Peggy being a frail lady. She was always a strong woman, she still was but her frail health said otherwise.

"Steve, is that you?"

"It's me, Peggy. How are you doing?"

"Been worse."

"I can tell." Steve said as he sat down, Bucky wanted to sit on the floor, but Steve sat on him another chair.

"Who is that?" Peggy asked.

"It's Bucky, but because of Hydra's torture his mind is split. So this is Bucky, a three year old but I think you will want to see James again."

"James?" Peggy questioned. Bucky flinched then rubbed his head.

"Agent Carter." James smiled. Peggy gasped then began tearing up.

"Barnes. It really is you. I am so sorry, we didn't send anyone to find you."

"It's fine."

"No, it's not and it never will be. We should have sent someone after you, James." James sighed then laid his head on Peggy's bed. She reached out a frail hand and scratched his hair. "This is something I have never thought I would see. James with long hair and Steve with a dad beard and longer hair than from what I remember."

"Yeah, we've sort of let ourselves go at this point."

"You should. This world owes you both too much, the least you can do is enjoy it."

"We're working on that, everyday." James said then whined. He shook his head then sighed.

"Daddy, hungry." Bucky whined. Steve gave him goldfish crackers.

"Oh, how they've tortured you, poor thing." Peggy rubbed his head.

"We're getting through it." Steve said then the door opened. Steve hoped it was a nurse but it wasn't. It was Sharon. She looked at Steve then at Peggy then she saw Bucky. Steve could tell by the look on her face that she wasn't seeing Bucky.

"It's you. The Winter soldier." She pulled out her gun.

"The soldier?" Peggy said and now that she was really looking at Bucky, she could see it. "You, you've come here before. You tried to kill me. Help! Help!" She yelled.

"No, don't. Bucky get under the bed now." Bucky squirmed under the bed just as a nurse came in.

"What happened?" He asked.

"She got spooked, I said something I shouldn't have. I'm sorry." Steve said, he could faintly here Bucky nibbling on his crackers but luckily they couldn't.

"Ms. Carter, are you alright?"

Peggy looked less frightened, more confused. "Who are these people?"

"It's Steve and Sharon." Steve said.

"Steve, you came back." She smiled.

"Okay, visitation ends in five minutes." The nurse left. Steve got Bucky from under the bed.

"Are you out of your mind saying that around her?"

"How else am I supposed to react when the world's most feared assassin is next to my aunt?"

"Aunt?"

"Sharon is my grand niece." Peggy said. Steve looked at the picture of her family on her nightstand, now it made sense.

"Good for you then." Steve said. Bucky sat on the chair again and laid his head on Peggy's bed.

"Barnes, is that you?" She asked. Bucky looked at her, she smiled and rubbed his head.

"We're going to go." Steve and Bucky were about to leave but before they left Peggy said to him.

"Live how you want, not how they want."

That stuck with Steve throughout the week. He was sort of living his best life right now but it could be better.

Come Thursday, Steve was hanging up clothes when he heard something hit the floor, "Bucky?" Steve said peeking from his closet. He saw blankets ruffling then Bucky poked his head out from his blanket fort. "What are you doing?"

"Tablet fell."

"Oh, that's a weird new habit you've developed. Getting under fresh, clean blankets."

"Warm."

"I bet they are. Warm blankets are the best and you have every single one." Steve said. Bucky giggled then reached for his tablet. Steve could see that Bucky had really cocooned himself in all the blankets and comforter. Harley was sitting on her bed chewing on her bone.

"Bucky, can I ask you a question?"

"Hm." Bucky said from under his blankets.

"Did it scare you when that lady pointed the gun at you?"

"Winter, angry."

"Winter was angry. I could understand, it made me upset too. But I'm happy that he quickly controlled himself and listened to me. Did you like Peggy, though? The older woman."

"Yeah."

"That's good. I'm feeling kind of hungry, should we go find food?"

"Cookies."

"That can be arranged." Bucky struggled out of his blanket cocoon. His hair standing up a bit from the static.

Once they arrived to the kitchen, Steve gave Bucky three sugar cookies while he fixed himself a sandwich and gave Harley a doggy biscuit.

While they ate, Steve was kept thinking about what he wanted. What did he want that wasn't a part of Captain America's life? That left him very conflicted about life. He had what he wanted but something was missing.

Bucky was being silly by picking up every crumb of cookie he could and eating it. Steve smiled then his phone buzzed, his smiled instantly faded. He quickly left the table and went in his room, locking it.

"Daddy?"

"Friday, get Sam and Nat here."

" _Right away_."

"Daddy?" Bucky whined from outside, even Harley was whining. It was taking all his strength to not yell at Bucky.

"Stevie, open the door." James said.

"Go away!" He snapped. He heard a whine from him then it got quiet for a while.

He wasn't sure how much time passed, but he felt soft hand touch his back. He opened his eyes to see Nat.

"Nat? How did you get in here?"

"I always carry a hair pin with me. What happened and don't lie."

"Peggy's gone."

"Oh, Steve."

"I just saw her a few days ago. I didn't think that was my last. I wish I could have seen her more."

"I know it hurts, but please don't beat yourself up about it."

"She's going to be buried in London. How fast can you get me to there?"

"Steve, you need a little more time to process this. Please relax for a while then we'll talk tonight."

"Alright, where's Bucky?"

"Sam is feeding him and Harley, though I'm not sure if he's actually eating." They walked down to the kitchen. Sam had fixed pasta, but Bucky didn't look like he had a bite. Bucky looked at him then tilted his head when he sat down. Bucky looked at Steve then poked his knee.

"Okay?"

"Sort of. Don't worry about it." That wasn't something Bucky didn't understand. He always worried and he could see Steve was in distress. But Bucky always absorbed other people's emotions and it was everything felt magnified for him.

After a few hours after the early dinner, Steve has yet to say a word to anyone. Bucky was becoming stressed and when he became stressed he didn't act right. He was whining more and fidgeting a lot more. Steve couldn't pay attention to him. And now Bucky's anxiety was skyrocketing.

Late in the night, Bucky was probably more of a mess than Steve was right now. He became destructive to himself, he never hurt anybody but he didn't want Sam or Nat near him. He was more attentive to Steve. Steve didn't eat and he didn't like that.

"Eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"Eat."

"Bucky, I'm not hungry." Steve said. Bucky growled then got up and pulled on Steve's arm.

"STOP!"

"No." Bucky tried to grab his arm again. Steve grabbed Bucky's wrist hard.

"I'm not going to tell you again. Stop." Bucky stared at him then started to whine.

"Steve, you're hurting him. Let him go." Nat said. Steve let him go and went to his room, locking the door again. Bucky began to cry and scream, he heard the screaming get closer most likely Sam and Nat trying to get Bucky in his own room. Steve put his head under the pillow. He heard knocking but ignored it.

"Steve." Sam said.

"Go away." Steve said. He just wanted time to himself for a while.

Steve wasn't sure what time it was but he could tell it was late. He checked his phone. 11:38 pm. He sighed, Bucky would have been asleep. He got up and walked to his bedroom, Nat was sleeping with him. At least, he was getting some rest. He went downstairs to find Sam on the couch, watching tv with an ice pack on his arm.

"Hey Cap." Sam.

"Hey, wasn't expecting you to be here."

"We agreed to stay here because you are an emotional mess and you can't take care of Bucky and he's not liking the sudden emotional rollercoaster." Sam held his arm up showing a bruise.

"What happened?"

"Meltdown. Biting, scratching and hitting. Nat sort of had to push on a pressure point to get him settled."

Steve groaned then rubbed his temples. "I'm so sorry. It was just-"

"Don't explain. I know and I'm sorry. Nat got him medicated and in bed for the night. And he has a bruise on his wrist."

"Seriously?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah. Look we know you're upset but he feels what you are feeling and he doesn't understand it. You have to be patient with him and explain what's going on. I think sometimes you forget that you are talking to a three year old."

"I was just upset, I didn't mean to do that."

"We know. Talk to him tomorrow." Sam had significant bite on his arm, definitely a meltdown bite. Steve frowned, he never meant to hurt Bucky. Yelling was one thing but a bruise on skin was something he hoped never happened. He went back in his room and sat on the bed. He wasn't sure what was hurting his heart more, the fact that he left a bruise on Bucky or Peggy's death. He couldn't think about that now.

Early morning, Steve sat in the kitchen by himself. He couldn't sleep last night. Knowing he hurt Bucky had bothered him more than he thought. Then he heard dog nails tapping on the floor. He looked and saw Harley coming towards him.

"Hey sweet girl. I'm glad you don't hate me."

"I'm pretty sure if she could talk, she would say something." Nat said from the corner. Behind her was Bucky.

"Hey." Nat whispered to Bucky and he sat on the couch. But Steve could faintly see the bruise on his wrist. Nat sat in front of Steve.

"How are you doing?"

"Just off. Is he okay?"

"I don't think you want me to answer that. Just know that if we were married and he was really our son, you wouldn't be sitting there in one piece." Steve shuddered a little bit. Natasha could be a more terrifying momma bear than Steve was. "Go talk to him." Nat said. Steve nodded then got up. Bucky was fidgeting with his fingers then he slightly looked up.

"Hey. You feeling okay?" Bucky didn't answer him. And it was probably best just to get to the point now. "I didn't mean it. I know I say that when I yell at you but I truly did not mean to grab you that hard."

"Hurt."

"I know and I'm so sorry. Daddy got upset and needs to learn how to control himself better." Bucky looked at him then at his wrist. Steve took his wrist and kissed it. Bucky smiled then hugged him. "Listen, do you remember the elderly lady we saw the other day?"

"Peggy." Even Steve was surprised that he remembered a name.

"Yeah, um." This was the point that Steve realized Bucky didn't understand death. The oldest did. Winter most certainly did. But the baby never experienced it and Steve wasn't sure how to explain it to him. "Okay, yesterday she went to sleep and she's not waking up."

"Sick?" Bucky tilted his head.

"No. Everyone on this planet will eventually have a time in their life when they won't wake up again. It's almost like your tablet. When your tablet battery runs out, it stays off until we charge it. But when people's battery die they don't wake up again." Steve honestly wasn't sure if Bucky understood any of that. Explaining it to children must be so much harder than what he thinks.

"Not wake up?"

"Yeah, so we're going to go to London soon to say goodbye."

"Sad?"

"Yeah, I'm sad. It hurts my heart to know she's gone." Bucky hugged him slightly tighter. Steve could tell it was the oldest coming through a bit.

"Nat, can I ask you to do something for me?"

"What don't I do for you?" Fair point.

"First, can you help me find him a suit?"

"Well, he's about similar in size to you, so he should fit one of your suits."

"Hm." Steve got up, carrying Bucky with him. They went upstairs to his room, Steve had an old suit that got a little tight around his arms. Bucky was a bit smaller than him so it should fit. He got a black suit, undressing Bucky from his lounge clothes and putting on the suit. It was a little long on his arms and pants legs, but other than that it was a near perfect fit.

"You're so handsome, sweetheart." Natasha said. Bucky smiled then flapped his hand.

"Hopefully it can withstand the flapping and rocking." Steve got a black tie and tied it around his neck. Now for shoes. "Sit down." Bucky sat down on the bed then fidgeted with the suit flaps. Steve got a pair of shoes and put them on his feet. Bucky stared at the shoes then tried to kick them off.

"That may be our problem. He's never wore fancy shoes." Natasha said.

"He can't wear his converse. Maybe his Dr. Marten boots."

"Let him decide. Plus who really cares as long as he's comfortable. If they're dirty, clean them. If there is a hole or something noticeable, then maybe go for his boots. And make sure he wears black socks." Steve nodded then got Bucky redressed into his lounge clothes.

"Are you coming?"

"Yeah and Sam. I can get a private jet from Stark so we'll leave when you're ready."

"Thanks." Now that they had a suit for Bucky, Steve just needed to get them packed. They would only be in London for two days but Steve needed to pack enough for him, Bucky and Harley.

After a few hours and a good breakfast, Sam and Nat went back to the facility to get packed. Steve let Bucky and Harley play in the shower and play in the water while ge laid in bed.

"Daddy."

"Yeah?"

"Play with Bucky?"

"Not today, Buck." He heard Bucky come out of the bathroom. He sat next to Steve and put his head on his lap. His hair was completely wet, but his body wasn't. Steve smiled and rubbed his head. They didn't say anything for a while, just Bucky laying on Steve's lap and Harley laying on her bed.

After a few hours into the afternoon, Bucky had fallen asleep on Steve and Steve could feel his legs becoming numb under him. He moved Bucky up a little then moved from under him. They needed to eat and they needed to start packing. Steve packed his clothes into a suitcase then heard Bucky yawn.

"Glad, you're up. We need to start packing some clothes." Bucky sat up then whined again, he took off his shirt and scratched his left shoulder. The scars were becoming irritated again. "Go in your closet and grab two day shirts and two day pants. And grab one pajama set. Okay?" Bucky got up and went in his room. Steve wasn't sure if Bucky would really do what he asked, but it was worth a shot.

"Done." Bucky came back with a flannel shirt with jeans and a long sleeve shirt with joggers.

"Good job. Where's your pajamas?" Bucky went back to his room. Steve was happy Bucky wasn't being complicated today, he sort of wished he was always like this but this was just a temporary thing.

"Done." He came back with his raccoon onesie. Obviously his favorite.

"Good job. I'm guessing it's dinner time. Okay, we got everything packed. I'll pack toiletries later but I think we'll be okay for the two days that we're there." They went downstairs. While he reheated the pasta, he got two bags of dog food, then he heard a whine. He looked behind him and saw Harley staring at him. He fed Harley then fixed himself and Bucky food. Bucky would usually just dig in, but he stared at Steve who wasn't eating. "I know why you're not eating, but please eat, I'm okay."

"No."

"Don't be difficult." Steve said, seriously. Bucky picked up on it and put his head down. "Buck, I'm sorry. I just don't have an appetite."

"Bucky not hungry."

"I need you to eat, though. It would make me feel better if you ate." Bucky lifted his head then looked at his food. "Okay, how about we both do about five bites?" Bucky nodded. They both ate at the same time. Bucky eventually took a few more bites then stopped. It was enough to satisfy his stomach and enough for the medication as well. Steve got him a cookie just to settle him a bit more. They went back upstairs, Bucky refused to sleep in his own bed which was okay, Steve just needed his presence with him tonight. Bucky laid close to him and Steve appreciated it.

That next day Steve spent most of the day by himself. Nat and Sam took Bucky out for the day while Steve took time for himself. He spent a majority of the day in the gym, he destroyed a gym bag. It didn't really help but he had to redirect his anger elsewhere.

" _Mr. Rogers, they have returned._ " Friday said.

"Thanks Friday." Steve quickly went upstairs and took a shower.

"We're back." Nat said.

"One minute." Steve said. When he finished his shower, he went downstairs and saw Bucky eating a cinnamon roll. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"Daddy here." Bucky gave him a piece of his cinnamon roll.

"Thanks, where did you go?"

"Into town. There was a little thrift store and we wanted to get him something. He's got two sweaters literally two sizes too big but they were so cute on him." She pulled out a white sweater, it was a nice sweater but it was rather large. The other was black with roses on the sleeves.

"These are nice. Did he bribe you to get him a cinnamon roll?"

"No, he behaved pretty well. He just wanted to get you something." Sam said. "We also talked about our upcoming trip, he is nervous but I talked to Bruce and he highly recommends that since we are going flying overnight to have him take a few melatonin gummies."

"Melatonin? That stuff that makes you sleep?"

"Yep, because Bucky has fought through his night medicine and his anxiety with planes is rather severe. It's best he takes a few before we get to the airport."

"Okay, we'll leave in a few hours. You, sticky boy, are going to take a nap." Steve said, wiping his face. Bucky whined but didn't exactly fight back. Steve put him to bed then went back downstairs.

"He's really worried about you." Sam said.

"I know. And I know he's trying to help but I can't think straight right now. And now we have to go through the airport again and he's going to freak out."

"No, on the other side of the airport is where the private jets are held. They have their own security and everything. So no major airport meltdown."

"Okay, that works. Can a private jet get us to London?"

"Are you really going to ask if a Stark owned jet can get us across the world?" Nat smiled. Steve grinned then heard footsteps coming down. Bucky looked at him then sat on his rocking chair.

"Buck?" Steve asked. Bucky growled at him then got comfortable. "Alright then." Bucky did end up falling asleep on the chair. The chair was rather comfortable, Steve will admit that and Bucky did have that weird ability to sleep almost anywhere.

"Maybe get one for his room?" Sam whispered. Steve considered it, Bucky already had a swing in his room, surely that was giving him the same sensory input like the rocking chair. But Steve did have to factor in that his bedroom was a place he had to be in when he had violent tantrums. Books and toys were already victims of being thrown around, a whole chair was only going to be another projectile.

"I'll think about it." It was most likely not going to happen.

After a few hours of relaxing, Sam put everyone's bags in Steve's truck while Nat got a snack for Bucky and Steve got Bucky to take the melatonin gummies. It wasn't hard for him to take it, they looked like candy to him. When they get on the jet, Steve will give him his medication so he can sleep. This was the only thing that concerned Steve, London was five hours ahead of New York time so Bucky's medication time was going to be a bit challenging.

"Alright, we need to get on the road." Sam said.

"Going?" Bucky asked.

"Adventure. Let's go in the truck. Steve, please make sure you have everything that you three will need for two days." Sam nodded at him

"I have everything, hopefully he'll stay asleep on the trip." They all went to the truck. The farm animals would be okay, they had enough food and water for two days. If anything happening, Friday would alert them. Having someone house watch wasn't an option. His trust was limited when it came to his house. Rumlow was not an option, Tony was almost guaranteed to do something without his permission, the twins could have been an option if Wanda and Pietro weren't sick at the same time, Peter and Scott went home to their families and Steve wasn't going to pull them away.

"Alright, let's get going." Nat said. She got in the passenger seat, Sam said he didn't mind getting in the third row, gave him a chance to nag Bucky until they got to the airport. Once they were all settled, they made their way to the airport.

Steve was actually glad Sam and Nat came with him, on the way to the airport was taking longer than expected and Bucky got frustrated. Sam decided it was best to get Bucky's mind out of frustration mode and into a more positive mode. So he tapped on Bucky's right shoulder, Bucky would look to his right then he felt a tap on his left shoulder, he looked nothing there. Bucky wasn't sure exactly what was going on. Sam seemed distracted by something outside and Harley was no help.

Steve caught a glimpse of what was happening and smiled when Bucky looked rather concerned. "Everything alright, Buck?"

Bucky whined again when something touched his shoulder. He wanted to figure out what was touching him, this was actually freaking him out.

Which was good because they were at the airport now. They were on the private side so they wouldn't have to deal with a load of people. Bucky remembered this place. Steve wasn't sure if this was good thing that he remembered or a bad thing but Bucky was hesitant to go through in the building.

"Hey, just a simple go through security and then we'll be on the jet." Steve said. Bucky whined and shook his head. They went inside, security was about the same as the major airport. Expect they didn't alert security about Bucky so he was forced to go through a metal detector. It went off, he covered his ears.

"Step over here sir." The agent said. Bucky whined, looking frantically around. "Sir."

"Oh, I forgot to alert them. He has metal implants in his back and shoulder. Here's his doctor's note." Nat said. The man read the paper then looked at Bucky.

"Alright, he's good." The man let them through. They went outside to the jets, the pilots greeted them on board. The way the jet was designed was one seat on the left and one on the right, making a total of six seats. Bucky was going to have to sit by himself. Steve quickly sat him down and buckled him in.

Bucky quickly shook his head and whined. He hit the arm rest then kicked the seat in front of him. Steve instantly mentally apologized to Tony for any damage.

"Look at me." Steve crouched in front of him. "I am going to be right there. I need to stay calm and breathe." Bucky whined then chewed on his wrist but Steve noticed something Bucky was slow blinking. He was tired, the melatonin was working. His medicine took at the most twenty minutes to take effect. It should make him relaxed enough to dull his senses. Steve went in his bag and got his medicine. Bucky hesitated so Steve asked a flight attendant for a small cup of juice. Steve put the juice in his cup.

"No, no. Bad." Bucky whined.

"You'll be fine. Trust me, it's just like going to bed." Bucky shook his head again. Steve sighed, his medicine wasn't dissolvable but he might be able to sneak it in if he crushed it. "I'll be right back." Steve got up and went to the bathroom. He crushed the pills with his palm then put them in his juice. He shook it as he went back to Bucky. "If you can drink all of this, I'll get you a snack." Bucky took small sips of his drink. By the time they started moving, Steve could see Bucky was slowing down more.

"He doing okay?" Sam asked.

"He's slipping, hopefully another five minutes." Steve smiled. He sat down and rubbed Bucky's arm. As the jet began taxiing, Bucky's eyes began to close. He would feel the plane jump causing him to jerk awake. Steve kept talking to him and Harley was on the ground laying on his feet to provide extra support. They finally lined up on the runway. Bucky was about 90% asleep which was good, his senses were most likely dulled now. The jet began to speed up, Bucky whined but still slow blinking. The jet jumped in the air, Bucky whined again but it was nowhere near the reaction from the Disney trip. About five minutes, the jet settled. Bucky was knocked out. Steve pinched his right arm, he didn't react which was good. The seatbelt sign went off, Steve got up and reclined Bucky's seat back more.

"I don't think I should be happy that this is working." Steve said.

"It was either this or another meltdown. He's doing good now, hopefully he'll stay asleep until we get there." Nat said. "Why don't you go to sleep too?"

"I suppose so." Steve got Bucky's blanket and laid it on him. He sighed deeply then sat down. As smoothly as this trip was going so far, this was just one of the relaxed times they were going to have. Now Steve just had to worry about Bucky's behavior at the funeral. A lot of people around and it was a quiet, mournful event. Bucky didn't do quiet, Steve had noticed that Bucky began doing a humming noise when he got anxious or comfortable. Maybe it was a new stim. Steve wasn't sure yet, but he did need to rest.

Steve woke up with a start. He wasn't sure why but he just woke up suddenly. He looked over at Bucky, still asleep. Nat was asleep and Sam was awake.

"Hey Sam."

"Hey man."

"Did you sleep?"

"Yeah, I've been up for a few hours. Nat just fell asleep not even an hour ago."

"Oh, has Buck been asleep the whole time?"

"Hasn't made a peep." Steve smiled. He looked at his watch, almost two hours until they got to London. By the time they landed in London, it would be almost three. No doubt Bucky would be a bit confused on why it was still dark.

After another few hours, Bucky was waking up slowly. He was a bit drowsy still but he was as not reactive like before. Steve hated to admit it but they were unfortunately going to drug him again when they were coming back. He needed his senses dulled to reduce his anxiety. While it is unfortunate, it had to happen for Bucky to become comfortable on flights that weren't in the U.S.

"We will be landing in thirty minutes." The flight attendant said. Steve nodded. He rubbed Bucky's head, Bucky tilted his head towards him then closed his eyes.

As they began their descent, Bucky began to whine. Steve just needed him drowsy for another five minutes as they landed.

After they landed, Bucky woke up more as the jet taxied to the hanger. He whined and squirmed around. He was confused and that was okay.

Their hotel was not even ten minutes away from the airport. A limo driver dropped them off to the hotel, fancy but probably not up to Stark's standards.

"Alright, all the connecting rooms were booked so you two have one room and we have our own right next to you. Call if you need us to take him." Nat said giving him his room key.

"Okay." They went to their rooms. They had a window view of the airport but no porch which was fine. London was cold and they were lucky enough to have snow in the forecast.

"Daddy?"

"Hm?"

"Hungry."

"Um," Steve dug through his book bag and found a granola bar. "Go sit at the table." Bucky decided that the bed was much more comfortable and refused to move. Steve got a napkin, broke up the granola bar and laid it on the bed. "Don't make a mess." Bucky smiled at him when Steve pointed a finger at him. Steve, himself, went in the kitchen and thought for a moment. The funeral was tomorrow morning so today was just a 'get yourself mentally ready' day. Steve was finding it hard to cope with the idea that he was attending a funeral of one of the people that made him into the man that he is today. He just needed to process everything.

Then he noticed a light flickering from the bedroom. He got up and looked in the bedroom. Bucky had figured out how the light work. He was pushing the button rather quickly and he was smiling. This was a recipe for a seizure. Steve quickly pulled him away from the lights then sat him on the bed.

"Buttons."

"You can play with your buttons, but you are not playing with that. You'll blow a fuse." Steve got Bucky's buttons from his bag. Bucky pushed his buttons then began rocking. Steve's goal for the next two days was to prevent a meltdown. A tantrum, he could handle. But a meltdown was emotionally draining on him as well and he didn't have the strength to deal with him.

That's how the rest of the day went. Steve, not having the strength to really go anywhere. Bucky was finding anything and everything to play with. Sam and Nat offered to take Bucky for the afternoon so Steve could rest but Steve told them that he would become a little paranoid if Bucky wasn't with him.

Come night time, Steve found out the room did not have a bathtub which was very odd. Bucky hasn't experienced a shower and now probably wasn't a good time to introduce something like that. But Bucky had some interest in it. He turned on the shower, the stream wasn't powerful and it wasn't too loud. He stuck his hand in then looked at Steve.

"Bath?"

"Similar." Bucky stepped in then sat under the stream with the water hitting his back. He looked like he was genuinely enjoying it. "Can I get you to bathe yourself?" Bucky didn't move, he was in some sort of sensory heaven right now and if that was the case, they can start introducing showers at home. Steve was sort of happy about that. He washed and conditioned his hair in the shower. Once he finished, he noticed the hair dryer. Steve turned it on, Bucky flinched then flapped his hands. "Too much? Sorry." Towel drying would have to work for him. Then the door knocked. Steve opened the door while Bucky sat on the bed.

"Hey guys."

"We brought dinner." Sam said. They came inside. Sam put the food on the table. Nat sat next to Bucky.

"Your hair is wet and not brushed." She frowned at Steve.

"I was getting ready to when you guys came. Does your bathroom have a tub?"

"No." Sam said.

"Ours doesn't either. But he enjoys the shower so I guess that's a win. He hates the hair dryer."

"It's probably just too loud for him and he's already sensitive about his hearing."

"Alright, every restaurant was packed so enjoy some McDonald's. Happy meal for the kid. Two double cheeseburgers for you." Sam said. Steve slightly frowned, he wasn't sure that Bucky would feel full with five nuggets. "I know that face, so I got him a twenty piece as well."

"Thank you." Steve sat behind Bucky to brush his hair while he ate. They all sat around the bed and ate. Bucky threw apple slices to Harley despite she was eating her own dinner.

Bucky finished eating his food then noticed the bag, something smelled sweet. "Candy?"

"It's an apple pie." Sam said.

"Pie. Pie." Bucky smiled. Sam gave him the little pastry. It was different from what Bucky has seen pies but when he took a bite, he loved it.

"Thanks for giving him sugar." Steve said.

"He'll burn through it within ten minutes." Sam patted Bucky's head. Bucky finished the little apple pie, he still smelled another. He looked in the bag and saw three more.

"Mine?"

"No." Nat said. Bucky whined then dug in the bag. "What did I tell you?"

"No."

"That's right. You've had yours, now we can have ours. It wouldn't be fair if there wasn't one for you right?" Bucky nodded. He laid back against the headboard and began rocking. "Silly boy."

After they finished their meal, it was eight o'clock London time but it was three in New York and Bucky's body did not adjust. To him, it still felt early. And Steve didn't blame him. He felt like he had the whole day ahead of him.

"What are you doing about medicine, Steve?" Nat asked.

"Um, I'm not sure."

"Okay, do this, give it to him now, I know his mind is still on New York time but by the time it's eight in New York, it'll be one here and we don't want him get so little sleep and we need to be up early."

Steve thought about that then looked at Bucky who was head tossing to some music Sam was playing. "He's so worked up now."

"He needs to relax one way or another. At least him taking it will guarantee that he won't have a major relapse and that he sleeps."

"Yeah, I guess so." Steve got up and got Bucky's medicine. "Come here, bud." Bucky looked at him then sat on the bed. "Medicine time." Bucky flapped his arms then shook his head. "Yes, it's time." Bucky smiled then shook his head again. "Buck." Steve said seriously. Bucky smiled then took the medicine and drank his milk.

"Okay, we are going to our room. Steve, please, get some rest." Nat hugged him.

"I'll try." Steve hugged her. Then they saw the lights flickering again. Bucky had figured out the lamp. "Buck." Bucky looked at him then laughed.

"Remember what we said about him." Nat said.

"And remember what I said." Nat raised an eyebrow at him as they left. Bucky found the lamp again.

"Bucky." Steve said. Bucky laughed again. He head tossed then flapped his arms, there was that weird behavior. Laughing when he knows he's in trouble. And Bucky barely listened when he got in that odd behavior. Steve got Bucky's arms and laid him on the bed. Steve could feel his pulse going a bit too fast. "Hey, eyes on me." Steve squeezed his hands. Bucky looked at him. "Breathe." Steve blew air in his face, Bucky laughed then took a deep breath. "Again." Bucky took another breath then looked at Steve. "Thank you. Now can we settle down tonight? How about a movie?" Bucky nodded. Steve got Bucky's tablet and played a movie.

After a few hours, Bucky was sort of asleep. Harley was asleep. Steve couldn't sleep. Grief was starting to creep up on him again. He wasn't going to be able to sleep tonight. But as long as Bucky was getting as much rest as he could right now, he would be okay.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day of the funeral leaves Steve's in a wary state, Bucky just doesn't understand why.

The day of the funeral, Steve was just not okay. Bucky was definitely feeling that emotion. He whined most of the morning because Steve wouldn't get out of bed.

"Daddy, up?" Bucky whined.

"Yeah." Bucky climbed on the bed and poked Steve's face. "What Bucky?"

"Okay?" He tilted his head.

"Not really." Then the door knock.

"It's us." Sam said. Steve got up and opened the door. "Not even going to ask if you're okay. Come on man, get dressed." They came in. Steve went in the bathroom and got himself dressed. He combed his hair and beard. When he came out the bathroom, Sam had gotten Bucky in his suit and Nat was combing Bucky's hair.

Then the door knocked again. 

"Who is that?" Steve asked. Nat opened the door to Sharon.

"Hey, I know you don't want me here but I wanted to ask if you wanted to be a pallbearer, Steve?" She asked. Steve took a deep breath then nodded. "Okay, be at the church in ten minutes." She left. Nat slightly frowned at her then sighed.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" Nat asked. Steve nodded. Nat put Bucky's hair into a half bun. Sam put a black sweater on Harley to go under her harness. 

"Okay, we have snacks and I'll let him use my phone to watch something. My only concern is if he starts rocking or making noise." Sam said.

"He can't wear his headphones." Steve said.

"I know but I think he'll be okay with just looking than listening." Sam said. He put Bucky's boots on, Bucky whined then tried to kick them off. "Hey, stop." Sam reprimanded. Bucky huffed a sigh then looked at Steve and made grabby hands.

"I can't carry you today." Bucky whined again then tried to chew on his wrist but the weird suit was preventing it so he went to his fingers. "Stop." Steve gave Bucky his chewy then rubbed his temples.

"Alright, let's get going." Nat said. They went to the lobby, Sharon already had a private car and driver set up for them. Bucky was already rocking, hopefully that will settle his nerves. The church was only twenty minutes away. It was a lot of people there, Peggy had impacted a lot of people's lives.

"Okay, we are going to find a seat. Steve, remember to breathe and that it's okay." Nat said. Bucky began to notice that Steve was walking away, he was about to follow him but Sam got his hand.

"Hey, he'll be back in a few minutes. Let's go sit down." They went inside the church, they sat in the front row so nobody would need to step over Harley. There were a lot of elderly people here.

"Mommy?"

"Yes?"

"Going on?"

"This is called a funeral. This is where we come to say goodbye to someone we have lost."

"Daddy lost?"

"Daddy lost someone important to him. That's why he's been so sad." Bucky had noticed that but he was still unsure on what that meant. Couldn't the person just come back?

"Come back?"

"Can the person come back? No, they can't. We wish that they can but that's not how life works sweetheart." Oh, that's why daddy's so sad. And apparently the person behind him was crying as well. Was everyone upset over this one person?

"Hey kid, we need to have a little behavior chat before this starts. This is a quiet event, people here are sad so you have to be respectful. If you need to talk, sign to one of us. You can't talk or make loud noises. You also can't wear your headphones so I'm going to let you watch tv on my phone. No volume just watch. Like this." Sam showed him a Paw Patrol video, there was no volume but there were words on the screen. "Can you manage that?" Bucky nodded.

"Also if you can, don't rock." Nat said. Bucky was starting to not like this event. All these rules were unnecessary, he couldn't listen to his favorite show and now he couldn't rock. This was stupid. Then the people in the back, who were all dressed the same, began to sing in perfect harmony. "Stand up." Nat whispered. Bucky stood up and looked around, what was going on? Then the doors opened. Bucky could briefly see something moving towards the front. The woman behind him was crying again and now he could see why. A large box carried by six men, three on each side. Bucky wasn't sure in what was in the box but he did notice that daddy was crying. That bothered him. He wanted to go to him but Nat grabbed his hand and signed stay. The men put the large box on the stand then sat down. Steve sat down between Nat and Bucky. Bucky stared at Steve, he really was sad about the lost person.

"Today, we have come to celebrate the life and legacy that is Margaret 'Peggy' Carter." The Priest said. As the ceremony went on, Bucky was becoming restless. Nobody told him these things lasted forever. It was past lunch and it was past nap time. He got bored of trying to listen to the talking man and everyone else giving memories. He squeezed Sam's hands, usually a sign to wrestle but Sam whispered no. Bucky wasn't understanding that, he pinched Sam's arm to get a reaction out of him.

Nat snapped her fingers at Bucky then signed stop. Bucky stopped then flapped his arms. Steve wanted to grab his arms but he read about stim supression. And he had mixed feelings about it but Steve hated to supress any of Bucky's stims that he needed to sooth himself but this wasn't the place for head tossing, rocking and especially not the place for wrestling.

Bucky signed all done, Steve shook his head. Bucky chewed on his chewy. He was hungry and wanted to leave. How could people sit down this long? Bucky's hands shook a bit, he just needed to walk around or do something that didn't involve sitting.

Soon, Steve and the other pallbearers were getting up. Grabbing the sides of casket and putting it on their shoulders. Everyone got up. Finally. Sam and Nat got Bucky's hands and followed them out. They put the large box in a weird car. Bucky spent the little time they were standing to head toss and flap his hands. Sam did feel a little bad that Bucky couldn't do what he needed to do to relax in there. They sat in the car, Bucky began rocking.

"Hey, you're doing so good. Keep it up, okay?" Nat rubbed his shoulder. Bucky flapped his arms, he was tired, hungry and frankly kind of irritated. Steve got in the car then looked at Bucky.

"I know you're tired and hungry but we have one more stop then we'll come back here and eat. Okay?" Bucky whined then hit his leg. "Don't do that. Relax." Bucky squeezed his arms, he just wanted to go home. The car started and everyone followed the police and the weird car that carried the weird box.

They drove to an open field. Bucky wasn't sure what this place was or why there was stones sticking out of the ground.

"Is?" Bucky pointed. 

"It's called a cemetery. A final resting place." Nat said. Everyone got out their cars. Bucky suddenly felt the urge to run. Bucky shook off Nat's and Sam's hands and got away but Steve grabbed him by the waist. Steve whispered to him to settle down, Nat and Sam got Bucky's hands. They had gotten a few stares but it was fine. Big open field was a recipe for a sudden burst of energy. 

Everyone gathered around the weird box. Bucky wanted to sit down but Sam and Nat wouldn't let him. Now he was frustrated, he was seriously hungry and very tired. Steve looked at Bucky, he knew it was going to be a hard day considering they passed nap time and he hasn't a solid meal. 

After another twenty minutes, they started to lower the box down. Some people started going back to cars, others talked. Steve got a flower from the weird box and came back to them. Steve took a deep breath then he smiled.

"You alright?" Nat asked.

"Yeah, she's finally at rest. I'll be okay." Steve did look a little better, he looked at Bucky who was probably closer to having a tantrum than anything. "We can go eat now." Bucky began head tossing again, he was at his limit now. They got in the car and went back to church. The caterers already had food out. Steve fixed himself and Bucky a plate of everything. He dug into the chicken first. The chicken had bones in it and Bucky was steadily chewing on it.

"Can I pull the meat off the bone for you?" Sam asked. Bucky growled at him. "Oh he's turned feral." Bucky gnawed on the chicken bone again, Steve stared at him as he ate. Bucky never had chicken with bone in it. He was being surprisingly careful to not break it. But Steve couldn't help but flinch when he heard the bones crack.

"All done." Bucky smiled. He had pretty much cleaned the bone and his plate but the way he was staring at Steve's plate made him believe he was still hungry. 

"Do you want more?" Steve asked.

"More, please. Nuggets?" Bucky tilted his head. Sam chuckled even Steve managed to smile. Steve got up and got another plate with smaller portions of everything. But when he reached the table he noticed Sharon was sitting next to Sam and Bucky was staring at her, his usual intruder stare. Steve didn't say anything as he sat down. He pulled the meat off the chicken and set the plate in front of Bucky. Bucky turned his attention from Sharon to the food.

"You really have him trained don't you?" Sharon asked. 

Steve frowned at her. "Not trained. He's not a dog."

"Sure acts like one." Sharon smiled. Steve sat back in his chair then sighed. She had pushed a button and Steve was emotional already, anger was something he didn't have control of yet.

Bucky finished his food. There was nothing else until he smelled something sweet, the intruder woman had something sweet. He waited until the woman had her head turned then reached over and snatched it from her plate.

"Hey!" Sharon yelled.

"Bucky!" Nat yelled. Bucky growled at them then went under the table with Harley.

"What did he take?" Steve asked.

"A Danish." Sharon said, she pulled the table cloth up. Bucky growled at her again.

"It's his now. He sees, he takes." Steve said.

"Discipline him." Nat said. 

"To be honest, it was sitting out for like five minutes and if you don't eat it quickly, he's going to take it." Sam said.

"Don't defend him. He wouldn't go around doing that to us, he needs to stop." Nat said. Technically, they were both right. But Nat did have a point that it was going to continue if he didn't stop it. Steve pulled up the table cloth and pulled Bucky out by his suit collar. Bucky laughed, keeping his head low.

"Look at me, now." Steve said. Bucky giggled then tilted his head at him. "Am I smiling?" Bucky smiled, hitting his thighs. "You know what you did was wrong. You cannot steal from people, if you wanted that you should have asked and I would have gotten you one. Do you understand me?" Bucky smiled then nodded. Steve was trying to figure out if he was still smiling because he was proud of himself or because it was the weird behavior again. It was probably a combination of both. "You're getting a time out." The giggling and smiling stopped. Bucky looked at him, very serious dad face.

"Sowwy." He whined.

"Apologize to Sharon." 

Bucky didn't get up, but still said, "Sowwy." Sharon didn't say anything.

"Thank you." Steve said.

"No time out?" Bucky asked.

"We'll see." Steve frowned. Now that Bucky had ate, he was exhausted. He laid against Steve's leg and fidgeted with his fingers. Steve rubbed Bucky's head. "I think we need to go back to the hotel before he falls asleep here." Sam and Nat nodded. Steve picked Bucky up, they walked past the table Bucky smelled something sweet again.

"Cookie." He pointed.

"Do you think you deserve one after you stole something from Sharon?" Nat asked. Bucky stared at her, he didn't really steal. He didn't want the thing to go to waste and she wasn't eating it anyway.

"Please?" Bucky whined.

"You've had enough sweets, Buck, it's time for a nap." Steve said. Bucky, for once, did not complain. Their driver brought them to their hotel. By the time they got to their room, Bucky had fallen asleep.

"I'll text you in two hours to make sure you got everything packed." Nat said. Steve nodded and went in their room. He undressed Bucky, putting on his shorts but leaving him shirtless. Steve took off his suit, dressing himself in lounge clothes. He sat on the bed and sighed.

Today had been sad but peaceful, despite the little hiccups from Bucky, but Steve had to admit with this being the first funeral he's been to in a while; he did surprisingly well. He got squirmy at a few times but it was understandable. 

Almost three hours later, Steve had their bags packed. Bucky was occupying himself by head tossing to jazz music. It was almost 7 pm in London, by the time they get to New York it will be about two in the afternoon. 

Steve was definitely ready to go home. Bucky and Harley probably was too. Under different circumstances, they would probably stay in London for a few days to explore. But the time change would be too much for Bucky. So at the most they could be here is two, maybe three days.

"You ready to go home?" Steve asked. Bucky nodded. Steve got the melatonin gummies, he couldn't give Bucky his medicine because it would completely throw him off. But the melatonin should be enough to make him rest on the flight. "Do you want candy, bud?"

"Candy." Steve gave him two melatonin gummies. Bucky didn't realize what they were but all that matters was that he was relaxed. Then there was a knock. Steve opened the door to Sam and Nat.

"All packed?" Nat asked. Steve nodded.

"Medicated?" Sam pointed to Bucky.

"Just two, should be enough to settle him down." Steve grabbed their bags. Bucky was still head tossing to music. "Come on, Buck, we're going home." Bucky picked up Steve's phone, putting it next to his head then grabbed Steve's hand. 

As their taxi driver dropped them off at the airport, Bucky had other ideas besides going through security. Other ideas meant running. Just as Steve grabbed the final bag, Bucky ran off. Steve huffed then ran to get him. He managed to just grab him before he got himself onto one of the airports main roads. Steve carried him by the waist back to the security area. Bucky laughed as he was carried back.

"Might want to start putting that harness back on him." Nat said. 

"Yeah." As they got through security, Bucky's energy started to plummet. He wasn't tired but he certainly wasn't in the mood to run anymore. Steve buckled him in then rubbed Bucky's head.

"Daddy?"

"Hm?"

"Going?"

"Home. We didn't need to stay that long. Besides I'm ready to see our farm animals. Aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"You guys got your farm aninals?" Nat asked.

"Yeah, he didn't tell you?" Steve smiled.

"Surprisingly no. We'll have to come see them." The flight attendant told them they were starting to taxiing. Bucky whined a bit but nothing serious. As the jet took off, everyone settled. Bucky was look out the window, despite it being dark. 

"What that?" Bucky pointed to really nothing particular.

"I don't know." Steve said.

"What that?" Bucky pointed again.

"Still don't know."

"What that?" Bucky asked. Nat got up and looked where Bucky was looking. Nothing but city lights. "What that?"

"Hey, what's that?" Nat asked, pointing to Bucky's nose. Bucky went cross-eyed then Nat flicked him on the forehead. "Stop asking about things we can't see." Bucky smiled then tried to nip Nat's finger. "Silly boy."

Bucky laughed then fidgeted with his fingers. "Daddy."

"Hm?"

"Ice cream?"

"We have ice pops at home. But you have to behave."

"Bucky good."

"Always good." Steve smiled at him. As they began flying over the Atlantic, Steve got a few hours of sleep. He was woken up by laughing. He looked over and saw Bucky was hiding under his blanket, giggling. Sam was next to him, getting ready to tickle him.

"Hey Cap."

"Keeping him busy?"

"Sort of. But I do have a new trick, hey kid." Bucky peeked from under his blanket. Sam pointed his index finger at him, "Don't use those eyes on me." Bucky giggled then leaned closer to Sam's finger then touched it with his nose. "Boop."

"Boop." He laughed and went back under his blanket.

"That's so cute. Hey Buck?" Bucky came out of his blanket. Steve pointed a finger at him, Bucky booped his finger. Bucky giggled again. This was ridiculously cute. 

"I just saw some people do it on a video to some animals and he had gotten bored so I tested it out on him. He nipped me a few times but he got it." 

"He'll probably only let us do it to him." The rest of the flight was filled with giggles as Steve and Sam tickled attacked Bucky. He couldn't get away because of the seat belt and his blanket cover was not helping. 

"All done." Bucky laughed.

"Good job. Hey look, there's the sunrise." Steve pointed. Bucky looked out the window. Now he was a bit confused. The sun was just going down a few hours ago, why was it coming back up? The world was so weird.

After a few more hours, they started descending. Bucky's energy came back with vengeance. He was hyper and the fact that it was the middle of the day was only adding to his excitement. Steve would most likely have to wrestle him once they arrived home. 

They arrived at the airport just short of four o'clock. They got everything in the truck and headed to the house. Sam poked Bucky's shoulders again, causing him to become confused again but he was starting to like this little game. Once they arrived home, Bucky immediately went to the kitchen and signed open to the freezer. 

"Can we go show mommy and uncle Sam our new animals before they go?" Bucky huffed but nodded. They went outside and got on the ATV. The farm animals were out grazing, everyone and everything looked good. 

"Steve Rogers actually got himself some farm animals. Can't say I'm shocked." Nat said. "They have names yet?"

"No, I have a few suggestions but I want Bucky to make that decision. But since we got them he's been hesitant towards them, which is okay, it took him a while to like the animals in Wakanda. I just got to keep getting him out here and playing with them." Steve looked at Bucky, who was more interested in pulling hay from the barn.

"That's good. I'm glad you're doing stuff for you and him." Sam said, patting his shoulder. Bucky whined then pulled on Steve to the ATV. They all went back to house. Bucky, once again, pulled Steve to the freezer.

"Hungry. Ice cream?" 

"Feed your boy Rogers. We're going, if you ever need to talk we're just a call away." Nat said. Steve nodded and said bye to them as they left. Steve sighed then went in the kitchen. Bucky was actively trying to figure out one of the locks on the freezer.

"Buck, that's not how we do things."

"Ice cream, please?" Steve unlocked the freezer, surprised to find out they didn't have ice cream. Bucky looked for them and began to whine.

"I'm sorry, bud, I didn't know we were out. How about cookies?" Bucky nodded. That was another grocery run soon. Steve put six cookies in the oven then sat in the living room. Bucky had a habit of sitting in the kitchen while things were cooking, even if somethings took a little time to cook.

After eating a few cookies and spending the rest of the afternoon planning out Bucky's schooling, they were about to get ready for bed but Bucky decided he needed to wrestle. Steve wasn't going to deny him as long as he didn't play dirty.

For once in all the times Bucky has initiated a wrestling match, he surrendered. Bucky has always been the one to make someone surrender, this time he surrendered first. 

"Can I get a hug?" Steve opened his arms. Bucky hugged him then laid his head on his chest. "I'm so proud of you today. I know it was difficult for you to sit down for so long."

"Daddy okay?"

"I'm okay Buck." Bucky flinched then looked at Steve.

"Please don't lie, Stevie." James said.

"I am still hurting a bit but I am getting better."

"Do you want to talk?"

"No, I'm just going to take this one day at a time. I am okay. I promise."

"If you need to talk, I'm always here. Just ask."

"You don't need that emotional burden on you."

"Stevie."

"No, you don't need that."

"Stevie, he doesn't need to hear that. I am willing to hear it. Remember our promise?"

"I'm with you till the end of the line. I know. I just don't want you to go through that."

"I understand, but I'm here."

"Now I ask you, are you okay? I know you weren't exactly close to Peggy but I wasn't sure if her death had bothered you."

"I'm okay. That was a bit unexpected but I'm glad we got to see her when we did. I will admit that I felt weird at the funeral, like my whole body was tingling."

"Because we supress his stims. What he needed to do calm himself, he couldn't do. I'm sorry, I didn't want anyone to question you or ask you to leave. So we did what we could to satisfy him."

"He's a squirmy little thing."

"Yes, he is. But I am proud of him for doing as well as he did." 

"Me too." Steve hugged him tightly. James yawned.

"Can I get you to sleep in your bed tonight?"

"Nope, you're stuck with me tonight."

"Thanks James." They spent the rest of night snuggled up. James ended up falling asleep. Steve was enjoying having him here. The past few days have been probably been the hardest since he figured out James was alive. But he was accepting that Peggy was gone, she lived an incredible life and for that Steve was grateful that he had met her. But more importantly, it was good that she saw James one last time. She needed to know he was alive and James needed to know that she held remorse for not sending someone to find him.

Steve probably felt worse about it than she did but that didn't matter. 

Like Peggy said, live who you want, not how they want.

And that was what Steve was going to do to improve his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My next piece involves more emotional issues that is very key to the story line. I almost made myself cry but that is okay.


End file.
